It’s Sunday afternoon, the sun is peeking out from behind the clouds, Dec’s cd of Mamma Mia is playing in the family room (each of my kids wanted their own disc so I burned them each one), Skittles is snoring in the corner of the den, Kevin is working in his office, Conall and Dominic are playing outside, Mairen and I just finished a marathon game of Trivial Pursuit, the Lions are losing in the third quarter and all seems right with the world. Why then am I uneasy today? Why do I feel that at any moment the whole peaceful picture is going to evaporate?
This morning at brothers breakfast, Tom and Chuck and I discussed the good, the bad, and the ugly of our current lives and I feel oddly uneasy. Tom had a nightmare last night and I feel like the other shoe is about to drop. I don’t know if it is that I have become so used to long hours and thinking about work that having an unencumbered day feels strange or if the looming bills are haunting me or if the strain that life has placed on my relationships is catching up with me but I can’t seem to settle into a contented groove. Often when I feel this way going for a run helps clear my head so I am going to give it a try and see if that helps.
Ok, back from my run and although it reinforced the fact that I am WAY out of shape, it did little to alleviate this feeling of unease. Maybe eating will help.
Ok, back from eating WAY too much of EVERYTHING and although it reinforced the fact that I love to eat, it didn’t appease these anxious feelings either. Huh….that one almost always works. Hence the love handles….I won’t even try drinking given the alcoholism in my family (although maybe I shouldn’t have eaten either!) so what is a girl to do? Yoga? maybe…. Music? perhaps…. Handy project like knitting? give it a try…..
Yuck. I hate days like this since it reinforces that even when all appears right in the world, the worrywart inside me will find a way to surface and shine. Even now, in my 40s I am haunted by patterns from my childhood and the strategies I have used my whole life just aren’t as effective anymore. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I will finally start growing up and discovering more effective and appropriate strategies for handling my problems. Running from them doesn’t help, stuffing my body full in the hopes that it will take up all the space that worrying occupies doesn’t work, I guess I will have to start avoiding my worries and actually let them surface and deal with them. Yuck. Being an adult sucks.
Ponder, face, and address your inner thoughts and each day will either suck or be your best (the jury’s still out)!
Molly O’Shea, MD Birmingham Pediatrics + Wellness Center